All I know is that I don’t (know)

Body Tea, Brain Dead: I don’t know how I feel anymore - what is wrong with me?

I feel completely disconnected from myself in ways that are freaking me out. I’ve felt like this for some time, but settling into the new year has only further entrenched this complete dissociation.

I’ve read loads about New Year’s Anxiety, and I get it. Nothing compares to the dread associated with the start of the year: broke, scared and determined to change your story. The new you isn’t going to show up by magic; you have to make it happen. I recognise those pressures, but we’re well into the middle of February, and something more intangible is weighing me down. I think it has to do with how I feel about myself right now.

I’m well into my fifth year of freelancing. That’s five years of pitching, hustling, writing, hosting, producing, organising, consulting, podcasting, and the list continues. Five years of stretching myself and my creative talents to do what was required of me so I could live. Five years of ‘we are so over, we are so back’ on a loop in my head. I’ve kept a roof over my head for four of those five years, a little one-bedroom flat in Zone 4 that I adore. This space is mine, and despite the annual hike in rent and bills, I’ve worked tirelessly to manage it myself; I’ve had no spare bedroom or cash at a parent's house!

Freelancing is a precarious business. It is pure delusion, and blind faith that keep you tied into a system of working that is so chaotic at times. I’ve stayed so long because it is the only way of working that feels good for my ADHD brain. My stint in the working world pre and post-university was brutal - I had a disorder that I didn’t know about, so I often felt like my very being was incongruent with the traditional office space. I had horrifically low self-esteem, felt incompetent at the best of times and downright unintelligent at the worst. I didn’t know how to ask for help, so I blamed myself. Freelancing became an opportunity for me to rebuild my confidence and self-assuredness. It was a way to prove to myself I was good at something!

Unfortunately, freelancing has also been destructive to my sense of self. I’ve been highly vulnerable to the whims of the economy and the demands of others because I needed to work. I’ve been preoccupied with looking for the next gig, putting myself out there, and finding ways to stay relevant. Being in the work market as a freelancer, you are constantly reminded of how fragile your livelihood is. I don’t doubt this is the same for those in a 9-5, but freelancing gives you greater visibility of your raw transactional value. You know exactly how much you’re worth to others. Your self-esteem is tied to your ability to get and keep working; in the process, you lose touch with yourself.

When your work relies on social media - get ready for mental illness! This type of work unlocks a new brain-altering awareness of your importance. Everyone can now see your worth in real time; your worth is a reflection of your follower count, engagement level, likes, and agreeable comments. I used to treat social media as a side activity. I had many other things to focus on. But I didn’t fully grasp how being online, both as a consumer and a creator, affected me.

I don’t know who I am outside of work because what I do and am are interwoven. I now think in a self-edited way that prioritises virality rather than feeling. I’m constantly online thinking about how to add to the discourse in a palatable way. I feel stunted, like my ability to think and talk at length about how I perceive the world is limited to quips and soundbites. I’m almost afraid to speak about my feelings with authority. I’m a reflection of what I consume, not what I innately feel.

So, I’m on a journey back to myself to reconnect with my reality. I unknowingly started last year, and it looked like this:

• Learning to swim

• Studying Portuguese

• Building community

• Starting Strangers in the City

• Running with a group (which I have strong feelings about; more on that later)

• Making lists of what I like and dislike & gathering information about myself

• Starting this Substack!

When I first started writing, it helped me feel sure of myself. I had a viewpoint and could express it confidently, which made me feel like a person. I read some of my older, incredibly embarrassing pieces, but at least I had something to say. I was engaged, curious, and opinionated. Writing gave me a reason to interact with the world critically.

These days, I write less, and I feel dumber for it. I don’t process information with the same curiosity. I’m no longer intrigued for the sake of it, and I worry that it has made me less interesting.

So, the solution? My little Substack.

This is about coming home to myself again. I’m using this space to process my feelings, whether about a TV show, a TikTok trend, or something personal. I don’t care if my opinions are likeable, shareable, or even relatable; I just care that they’re honest and mine, and I don’t feel scared about having them.

Thanks for being on this journey with me!